So these past few weeks I’ve been undergoing what you might call some ‘personal stuff’ and trying to dig myself out of it one day at at time. I haven’t been blogging as I wasn’t really sure what to write which is very odd for me. I always tend to have something to say whether it annoys people or not. I’ve kept my face in books and lived mostly inside of my head which can be good or it can be bad. Whether it was personal reflection or avoiding the world, I’m not sure it matters as long as it comes out healthy in the end. I won’t delve into the why, but I will say that I think I’ve come out better…I think :)
I’ve been reading a lot of books that tend to follow the morose story lines of really messed up kids: abuse – sexual and mental, self mutilation, abduction – you know real happy things! But it’s also clarified some things for me in a strange way that opened my eyes to how I want to live. I want to be carefree, let go of the past, I want to be easy going, I want to stop worrying about tomorrow, I want to not care about a clean shitter, I want to enjoy right NOW. I want to live in a beach hut. I want to laugh. All the time. I want to take my kids to Japan. I want to replace TV watching with music listening (check!), I want to start sketching again, I want to have a lip sync battle with my friends (check, check!). I want to go on a road trip to nowhere. I want that feeling of youth and non-obligation.
But how might one do that at the age of 38? With two kids, a business to run, a dog, a mortgage, the dreaded responsibilities of life?
I started simple and it began with with the one person whose been with me for 2 decades (my poor husband and my social experiments). I started by thinking about that first time I spied that giant head of hair, that Bill Cosby sweater clad guy sitting in the library, head pored over some boring science book which he was reading by choice, not obligation (nerd!). The game I was playing with Amy Wood in which we were picking guys we would marry and I looked right at him and said, I’d marry him. I hadn’t even met him yet, but there it was.
I thought about that feeling you get when you are young and free (and totally naive). When you can’t wait to get to English class because HE is there and you want to just look at him and plan your wedding dress and imagine that today might be the day he says something profound and sexy to you (definitely not what he actually says, or even thinks), but who cares, I just missed the heart palpitating feeling. I wanted to live in that feeling.
I wanted my life to feel like that, every day. So yes, my plan was simple, I was going to start flirting with my husband. It isn’t like we needed help between us, everything was fine, but it was the simple act of remembering the rush of liking a boy and thinking they might ‘like’ you back. Those looks exchanged that take your breath away. I needed to stop running blind through life, so I stopped.
It was so much harder then I thought.
I didn’t tell him that I was going to do this which brought out a strange insecurity like he was going to think I was dumb and silly and just shake his head at another crazy Kelly moment. Rejection is always an ugly force. I found myself running around and changing my clothes 7 times before he came home, making sure when he left in the morning that I gave him a kiss that was memorable, I would brush my teeth all the time to make sure my breath was ok, and, I can’t believe I am admitting all this, wear prettier knickers. I’m not even sure he was aware of it at first, but I think I can be certain he is now :) All I will say to the end of that experiment, is that it was amazing.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about this at all, it’s personal, and I’m sure I’ll get a few jabs from people about it, but who cares. Life can move so fast. Priorities can become burdens. Simple is where I want to be, open and honest about my life, my silly whims, and I think after all these years that is where I feel most comfortable, so Fuck it.
Oh and I guess the real point of this story is that my therapy has started from grabbing my husbands ass. Boom.