Hello gorgeous peeps out there, it’s been 5 months since my last confession which is insane. I say confession because sometimes it truly feels like that and honestly I need to get back to my roots, my writing religion. I titled this blog in order to get a fire rolling in me, maybe in you (if it’s needed), in life in general which I feel I need a heavy slap in the keister over. You see, I realize I have not been myself, not in a very long time. I’ve lived under a thick heavy blanket of depression, anxiety, panic, fear, sadness, I mean if it’s a thing, I’ve probably gone through it. I’m the walking definition of mental illness and I’m quite adept at hiding it…well most days.

It seems most likely to have flourished from my mothers illness and dealing with it for about 5 years now, a constant reminder of death which never ever came even though I’ve expected it, thought about it and now that it is actually happening I’m probably dealing with it the most healthily. Instead of burying myself in books, housework, party planning, drinking, shopping or really anything I could think of to avoid thinking of the future, I’m trying to be an adult. GASP NO!

My husband, very poignantly I might add, stated yesterday that I have to keep moving because even when my mom eventually passes, someone else will get sick, someone else might die so there really is no point in waiting for it to happen just so I can go back to living. Kablam Troy Hogan on that juicy Ted talks!

It’s a tough mask to wear, this anticipatory grief that has been up and down for so long, and I am so tired of it. I’m tired that I’ve pushed friends away thinking I’m just not happy enough to hang around them. I’ve avoided many gatherings and weekend trips out of town preferring to stay home in my safe environment. I’m tired that I’ve put every goal, dream, wish I’ve had for my career into the ‘maybe later’ box. 

I’m SUPER tired thinking about starting any new dreams/work adventures at the age of 44, I mean fuck my life right? Some of my friends are planning retirement and I said to my 10 year old last night ‘What should I be when I grow up?’. His answer was simple and to the point – I want you to be exactly what you are now. No change, always home when I need you. Which is sweet and lovely and exactly Finn.

Wrens answer was way more interesting. She said: An astronaut! A dancer! A fashion designer! A singer! But then she looked at me and told me she was proud of the cool mom she had now which I of corse RELISHED…and realized she must be buttering me up for something. But I took it regardless because anyone who has gotten a Wren compliment had better see it for the lottery it is.

So bleech, this post isn’t supposed to be depressing, or self help-y, but rather a first step to wake the fuck up. Again, my Ted talks husband sent me a link this morning which was pretty great. Who is this guy I married?

It was an excerpt from Atomic Habits by James Clear (https://jamesclear.com/goals-systems) which in a nut shell says to forget about goals and instead fall in love with the systems and processes we make to achieve things. Sure I’d love to win a book deal but if I don’t will I still be happy writing? I mean I hope so, who the fuck knows but it’s worth a try. I’d love to be that fashion designer Wren wished for me, but maybe selling some t-shirts that I’ve been thinking of designing is the perfect process. 

There was another sweet article retweeted by The Rock no less which I read yesterday and I thought it pretty great too. ‘Why I’m holding off on success to live a life of varied experiences’ by Farah Brook.

I can 100% say that I must be pretty remarkable with my many failings and for SURE having 4.3 million dollars is too overwhelming to manage. So on that note, happy Wednesday folks whilst I go off, follow my process and fail some more but in the same breath nab some pretty sweet character building qualities. Shazam.