So I thought after yesterdays bummer post I would write a little something more upbeat! SO. Many of you like the holidays – yippee for you. I’m not saying I hate the entire season, I’m not a total asshole… careful people. But there are reasons for my distaste and by all means I don’t begrudge you this wondrous season, enjoy it, love it. I just can’t. Someone asked me recently why I hate it and I’d like to articulate some of the things I dislike greatly about this so called ‘magical’ time of year.
1. I HATE it when people call it ‘magical’.
2. Grown ups wearing santa hats to work. On a regular day. To work. On a Monday. Three weeks before the 25th.
3. When an ad talks about the ‘spirit of giving’ and providing a great gift for your better half when the ad is about selling a car. I mean who buys cars as a Xmas gift? I don’t even think Jesus would approve.
4. I hate it that my kid has turned into an ungrateful shit when he doesn’t get all 4570 things on his list. Thankfully Wren asked for Sleeping Beauty which we already have so bonus points for her.
5. I hate it when people try to convince me to love the holidays. I mean, I don’t try to convince you to love bed bugs, or like eating liver. I just hate it. Deal.
6. I hate the stress of opening a gift in front of someone and having to fake liking it – cause I’m not a total shit, but I hate being a fake shit.
7. I really hate writing Christmas cards – and I used to make them for a living!
8. I hate that I have to fake that a fucking elf is hanging out in my chandelier in order for my kids to actually listen to a word I say.
9. I hate the mall this time of year. More then ISIS hates all of us. Truly the mall is hell. HELL. It’s hot, busy, people hate each other, it’s like we turn into rabid wild dogs ready to cut a bitch down for taking the last Frozen doll.
10. And this is the top reason why I hate Christmas…the way people spend 1000 bucks on gifts and iPads and all sorts of shit that no one really needs that you will be paying off for 7 months when there are millions of kids who don’t even have any food to eat.
ON THE FLIP SIDE, I’m not a total ogre, I do enjoy a few things, and to prove it I will record it for all to see!
1. Mariah Carey’s song that’s like upbeat but I can never remember the name.
3. Chevy Chase wanting to shove his tree up Elaine’s ass.
4. I like the O’Leary Family Christmas dinner. We aren’t family and yet we are invited each year with no familial guilt. We arrive, we eat, we have a laugh and go home.
5. I actually like the elf and all his retro skinny legged glory.
6. I love to see my mom so happy, it’s like the holidays arrive and she turns into a goofy grinning giddy animal :)
7. I love drinking Baileys in my coffee with my dad on past Christmas mornings when the whole house was asleep and it was still dark and we got to sit in the quiet kitchen and watch the sun come up.
8. I love my sisters crazy insane way of buying the absolute perfect gift – this should be her job she’s that good – seriously Laurie this is something you should do. SERIOUSLY.
9. I love the fireplace channel.
10. I this SNL skit. Balls.