My beasts are great. I mean, I love them, but the time has come that they have finally revolted against the matriarch. I’d like to say I had no hand in that, however, I recall in perfect clarity a conversation from this summer when I basically told Finn he would do better in life by getting along with his sister; to attach to her coattails of crazy ideas and enjoy the ride.

So yes, it was bound to happen. They have finally bonded and now it is us against THEM.

They used to be mortal enemies. Finn has always been jealous of his younger sister and Wren has always been, oh how should I put it…basically zero fucks given. They have been like oil and vinegar since birth, each displaying an equal level of asshole-ishness to each other. It would start as soon as they got home from school, arguments over which show to watch, which toy Wren stole, what jerky thing Finn said in a whisper to his sister (I WISH YOU WOULD DIIIIIIEEEEEEEE). It made me insane…drink a lot of red wine.

But now…NOW…they like each other. Now they provide equal amounts of eye rolls when I ask them to do something. They feed off each other, trying to out do the ‘joke’, or lewd act they think is hilarious. Wren has taken to farting every 4 seconds because it puts Finn in a permanent fit of laughter. I won’t admit what Finn does for attention, but let’s just say it isn’t gentlemanly.

When I need them to get ready for school, typically they are unable to complete the most basic of tasks. Brushing teeth together results in constant twerking, toothpaste spits on the mirror, water like EVERYWHERE, and after about 15 minutes of this, neither is any closer to being ready.

No longer do my ‘strikes’ instil fear. Currently, when mom is pissed, they look at one another and laugh their asses off. They now share whispered conversations, plotting ways to get around my rules. They wrestle, they scream, they get absofuckinglutely nothing done unless I separate them with a locked door and even then they yell jokes and fart noises through the wood slab to garner one last giggle.

Troy told me last night that in order to raise a strong girl, you should raise a funny girl and I do agree with this completely. After all, I spent my whole life trying to make people laugh. Humour is my communicator, it is everything I value most in this crazy and depressing world. If you lose your sense of humour – my god, that would be the end for me. So while I am happy that my kids are loving life and Wren is becoming the court jester (aka asshole), I realize that this union between the two is the final nail in my control coffin. It will only get worse because they know how to manipulate me and they know how to win.

Sarcasm has already made it’s timely presence with Finn, which he nails 90% of the time, and once Wren gets that skill, well, it’s over for Troy and I. Which brings me to my solution. Well, not quite a solution, but our way to one up the kids because we will fight as parents to be smarter and better then the beasts we create. A favourite Hogan tradition is fast approaching next week, Oct 30th is Halloween prank day in our house. A day we pour red coloured milk, sew arm holes together in shirts, tape water spouts in the bathroom (I’m proud to say that Finn nailed that gaga), and try to one up each other. So prepare yourselves children, prank day is coming and you guys aren’t the only ones who can plot sweet revenge. Beware the zero fucks given PARENTS.