As I sit her at 8:15 I think to myself – wow I have been up for 4 hours already – I am awesome, I am working, watched last nights Vampire Diaries, cleaned up, ate breakie…I am on top of everything and then in a little bit I am going to go for a run, find the lost bootie from yesterdays walk, take my visiting sis in law shopping, cook a great dinner, entertain and be a super host all while taking care of my 5 month old baby…hear me roar!
Ok so before you hate me for that statement, I’ll quickly point out that it’s a complete sham. Wren was up at 4am and wouldn’t settle until after 7 whereby I had a large coffee already and was so jittery I couldn’t sleep. Plus I am so behind on work that it sends me into a tizzie so I thought I had better get going on that, all while thinking, I am SO not tired, I can do this. Oprah can do this and I can totally function on high speed no problem. Or is there? Why then do I keep having these moments of panic, desperation, and the volatility to break down into tears one second while laughing the other? I think the answer lies in the statement really. Why do we feel it is a good thing to be able to ‘do it all’ and still have perfectly manicured nails? Do men feel this way? Is it a good mother/bad mother thing? Whatever the reason, I am well aware that it is slowly going to push me into the ditch.
Sometimes I even feel physically nauseous but I persevere so that I can go to bed at midnight with a clean house and all my ducks in a row for the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I have become a lot more lax in my house duties lately, but when I mentioned it to my husband, he was like – ya I noticed but whatever, sit down, relax and enjoy a show with me! Does it ever occur to them to get up and do a freaking load of laundry? uh uh. I can’t complain too much as Troy is a great Dad and takes the kids all the time, but sometimes I wish I would come home with ‘everything done’.
Now, as I sit here I ponder what ‘everything done’ actually means and I realize I don’t think it’s remotely possible without a cleaning lady, nanny, assistant and chef. So can we BE it all, DO it all and still function on 4 hours of sleep a night? I really don’t know. I know that very soon I am going to burn out, have a crying fit, get reassurance from Troy that I am ,in fact, awesome, down a bottle of wine and laugh about what a nut job I’ve become all while vowing that life is too short to worry about this stuff. But the problem is that I will wake up the next day with a mile long to-do list (a wee hangover) and realize I still need to strive for greatness. I will have given myself a break for one night and then pile on the expectations the very next day. Crazy you ask? Perhaps…but I don’t think I am alone in this thinking now am I ladies?
God speed to you and pass me that pinot :)