So one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is a literary one, which I am experiencing this week. I read a lot, that is no secret, and one of the most ANNOYING things is when a writer adds in a fake kid character. It’s like how do we give this character more depth? Hey! She should be a hot single mom with a gorgeous and well behaved kid! Or, let’s add in a toddler so that we can show a guy interacting with them and all us girls will swoon over a him being nice to the kid.

Fuck you, this is stupid.

I have no idea if these people even have kids of their own, I would think no, but if they do then they are living in la la land and certainly not using their literary prowess to create a believable character.

They slot the kids into a formula and it drives me to drink my coffee and baileys from my to-go cup while waiting at the bus stop. Stop lying, you’ve all done this.

The formula goes as such:

  • the kid is adorbs – no goofy, nerdy kids allowed. Long flowing hair, perfect curls. No ratty hair, no attempts at pony tails in which the kid pulls them out within seconds. No fall down freak outs because you asked them to wear a button up shirt. They look perfect down to their perfect angelic faces.
  • the childs only dialogue is to say adorbs phrases which, in reality, no kid ever says and which aren’t all that cute either. They show the adult characters breaking up in fits of laughter over a 5 year old mispronouncing something or pretending to be a bird or a dog or some stupid shit like that. This is not funny to an adult. Not remotely.
  • The toddler is always cool in public. No shitting their pants on the bus, or having a tantrum in the check out line because you refuse to buy yet another ten dollar set of pokemon cards. No crush to the ground weeping because they continued to twirl in a parking lot, even though you told them to watch where the crap they were going, but they instead ignored you and twirled over a stick and fell on their knees.
  • The kid always goes to bed on time and without a fuss. No ultimatums to get them to brush their teeth. No hissy fits because you asked them to pee before bed. Just pee, a simple pee, but no, it’s like you asked them to pour arsenic on their eye balls. No waking up at 5:30 either, they seem to always sleep in until after 8, then wake up rosy and happy asking for pancakes in which the mom always seems to have time to make. From scratch.
  • Taking the kid to a restaurant, movie, or any venue is awesome and stress free. Bullshit. Are the writers not going the same places as everyone else on earth? Are they not seeing kids crawl over booths, chucking food on the floor because they thought they wanted fries but actually they didn’t. Or spilling an entire cup of milk on the table? Or running wild in a mall, pulling down clothes, falling down on their face in a wild rage because you told them that a 100.00 lego kit isn’t something you get on a random Tuesday.

These are just some basic examples but they are the most glaring and annoying. Kids are awesome. But they can also be assholes and no one seems to want to portray that on paper. Some do, I’m sure they do, except I can’t source a single example in which the kid was written in truth.

There is absofuckinglutely nothing real about a perfect kid and there is, most certainly, not a mother out there in this whole frigging world that has NEVER ONCE witnessed her kid act like a douchebag.

Oh and don’t get me started on the adult mom or dad who always looks great, especially naked with nary a stretch mark, an ounce of cellulite, even when they couldn’t possibly find time in their busy life to workout. Oh and certainly not a parent who requires counselling just to make sure they aren’t fucking the kids life up.

So let’s work on some dialogue that is way more realistic shall we?

Mom – “Oh, I have a kid, you OK with th — “
Man – “nope, see you fucking later”

(mom walks kid into grocery store and runs into guy she likes)
Mom (flirty but dressed in stained activewear and no makeup so right away she feels like shit) – “hey, how are y —“ (kid constantly yells at mom to buy corn pops, candy, jumping around like a tit head, knocking into fellow shoppers, knocking glass bottles off the shelf ending with mother threatening little jimmy with no netflix until he is 18)
Man – “nope, see you fucking later”

(mom asks kid to set table)
Mom – “hey, can you set the table?”
Mom – “I said, can you set the table?”
Mom – “Can you stop watching TV for one frickin second and set the frickin table?”
(kid eventually emerges, asking what she wants them to do 14 more times before they start setting the table, but then flips the fuck out and screams on the floor for 15 minutes because their favourite spoon is in the wash)

I think you get the point.

I guess they want to create a perfect fantasy for you to read and get lost in which is fine in some ways but in others I want to reach inside the book and strangle the perfect beautiful mom and her perfect beautiful kid. Real can be cute, it can be endearing, but it can also be funny and I wish I could find that.

OK rant over, proceed with your day.