Perhaps it’s hormones but more likely it’s a post pardon hiccup, but every time I see the new coke ad on TV about ‘staying extraordinary’ I feel quite like bawling. Obviously enough, it happens when the nurse comes to check on a new baby and I think to myself…have I ever been that extraordinary? A nurse in the birthing unit compared to a graphic designer…huh…it seems unlikely.
I know we all had pre-conceived notions of what our lives will be like when we ‘grow up’, and I was no exception. I lived in small town PEI and all I wanted was to move to the big smoke and have a super cool job, eat out at great restaurants, and wear really awesome clothes. It isn’t like I wanted to be rich, but I wanted to surround myself with culture, creativity and people who inspire me.
So I can’t say that I didn’t live my goals out..I moved to Toronto with no idea what I was doing, went to a design school, met an incredible circle of friends and had a fantastic time going out and experiencing life. Somewhere along the way I married, got a dog, up and went country, and now have two babes in tow. I have never regretted my decisions moving north of the 905 & having a fam damily because I know there is more to life then that trendy lifestyle we feel we need to have in our twenties in order to be considered cool, but at some points I do question whether I should be doing something more…something out of my comfort zone. At this point I need to reiterate that I LOVE my family, but sometimes you need to vent to stay sane.
I think these moments of reflection are important to keep challenging yourself, but at this stage I feel a little like I’m trapped in a box. And when I try to reflect on my reflection, it scares me. Leggings every day, ponytails, spit up on all my shirts and don’t get me started on nursing bras…so f-ing ugly. It’s winter which sucks, we’re stuck inside all day, no cute summer dresses, no fresh glow about you aside from the chapstick we plaster on our lips, and don’t forget the hats we shove on our heads ruining all lovely blow dries. Finn (my 3 yr old) is insane and going through a bad whiney phase in which every day is a crap shoot on whether he will fight me on everything or fight me on mostly everything. Wren (my 3 month old) is my little doll but I haven’t had a full nights sleep in about 6 months and Clifford (my dog) is constantly sick as we try new things to help him (new food this week to curb an itch allergy, joint issues, poop issues…never ending), so sometimes when I look in the mirror at the end of the day, I wonder who that sad, haggard looking person is staring back at me.
Upon conversing with Troy last night, who tells me I actually AM extraordinary, I realize that no matter what someone else tells you, a funk is a funk and you just need to wait it out and try your best to not lose your mind. So no, this isn’t a post to inspire, teach a lesson, or even a story with a resolution. I just felt the need to blather on about the crappiness of new motherhood and this stage in my life knowing full well it is temporary, but still sucking in the meantime. All I can say is bring on spring and the next chapter – I am ready!
Wait, I guess there is a message here…suck it coke.