Well after a month of writing – which I have to say I’m ecstatic to admit I made it past 50,000 for NaNoWriMo – yip, I am back on the regular blogging train and boy do I have a doozy today. As some know, my sis got married in Mont Tremblant this past weekend, and in all honesty I can say that my family is now likened to a National Lampoons film. Shit shows all around (literally) and here is why bundled in a nice and neat time table of the weekend.
Leave for Moms – 5 hour drive – a good start!
My mom: “I think Clifford has the trots.”
Had to get up 6 times in one night, bearing the cold in my jam’s as there is no fence in yard, indeed Clifford has the shits.
2.5 hour drive to Mont Tremblant. Wren screams for 2 of the hours and Clifford had to stop and shit all over the side of a road – sorry folks, can’t clean it up, it’s shit soup. Barry (my dad) was in charge of dinner for us all – a lovely chili – it is left forgotten at home. Mom tells dad over and over how he screwed up for rest of trip there.
Dad has to drive out and buy everyone supper (we are all staying at the same chalet – the grooms relatives and us – please feel sorry for them). Clifford is up all night shitting and yes there is no backyard so pj’s in the cold dark Quebec night with a thousand deer frolicking about hindering any off leash walking.
Friday AM – wedding day!//
Clifford still shitting. Dad and Troy attempt to clean his ass on the front porch of a 1000/night chalet…classy.
Friday PM – actual ceremony in the chalet living room//
Clifford shoved in a bedroom barks through the entire vows. Wren stomps through demanding milk. Bride and groom are trying to cry through their speeches as my family officially screws up the wonderful moment…thanks kids. PS – Finn is our rock star standing quiet and holding his bag of rings (love him).
Lovely catered dinner, sitting down eating – one of the children calls to me – ‘Uhhh I think Clifford had an accident on the lower level’. Keep in mind that this dog hasn’t shit on a carpet since he was brought home from the breeder. I go to investigate. Gorgeous diarrhea shit soup covering the length of an entire hallway on a lovely cream carpet. Casually come upstairs and steal Troy.
On hands and knees rubbing shit, ruined my tights in the process, had to dispose of them leaving me shoeless and tightless. Troy says ‘Yes just throw the paper towel in toilet – it’s FINE.’ Toilet clogs completely. Troy disrobes jacket and rolls up sleeves to start plunging. 30 min later, everyone is waiting for us to say speeches. Carpet still ruined, toilet still clogged. Run upstairs and deliver my speech with no tights or shoes, and probably shit on my dress.
Our new favourite person, Lori, enters and hikes up her party frock to take over the plunge. Everyone now covered in shit. Search out new plunger and it works better – toilet is ok! Lingering smell causes Father and Step Mom of groom to have a sleepless night.
Troy and I proceed to get shit faced loaded to compensate for our horribly embarrassing family ruining all wedding moments…yes, Clifford is still shitting…
Troy and I don our PJ’s hungover as shit to a neighbouring store (which is actually still 30 min away) to stock up on carpet cleaners, food for supper (peace offering #1), 6 bottles of wine and 3 cases of beer (peace offering #2), spending 250 bucks so far on a shitting dog. On the up side, Troy has had an amazing bicep work out from plunging all night.
Leave for home…clifford still shitting…
Get home at 11 PM, Wren proceeds to cry until 2:30 AM forcing us to consider leaving crying kids and sleep in the car. CLIFFORD ACTUALLY STOPPED SHITTING.