Troy told me last night that if Wren reads my tweets when she is old she is going to think I don’t love her. I scoffed in his face because there is no way she will be remotely interested in me or anything I wrote. I mean how well do we really know our own parents? I love hearing stories of things they did when they were young, but it’s hard to picture them as young naive teenagers, acting crazy and getting into shenanigans. Well it isn’t hard to picture my dad when he tells me stories of coaxing a guy pee on an electric fence after they demonstrated wearing rubber boots with no zaps. Something I didn’t even know you could do actually, but I suppose you learn something everyday! Thanks dad!

Ok I’m off topic again, but seriously this last week with Wren has been, oh how shall I put it? So bad I’ve been seriously thinking of inventing a time machine where I could go back and decide Clifford was enough for me. Where I decide a life of travel and good times with absolutely no yogurt smeared into my couch would be the better option. She’s had an ear infection and ho boy has she been grumpy. Which in turn wrecks what little patience I have when dealing with Finn who decides that he HATED!!! me three times just yesterday (yes he uses that much expletive). Sorry Finn, I didn’t think asking you if you wanted to grab McDonalds for supper, as I was so tired, warranted a complete melt down as I sped home away from McDicks and yelling – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY CAN”T YOU LIKE FAST FOOD???!!!

I’ve also had a number of not so fine moments with Wren yesterday as I actually told a little baby to Fuck Off. I’ll admit it here as a not proud moment, but she really was being a BITCH. I mean she wouldn’t let me put her down, choosing to scream at my ankles while I made lunches. Grabbing my spoon full of oatmeal that I was trying to eat on the couch with her on my lap (cause she will scream otherwise) and flinging it onto my couch. Spitting her medicine onto my clothes and smearing it all down her clean shirt. Pulling at my hair bun and when I hold her hands off, she punches me in the face. Trying to put a fucking hoodie on her while she rolled around on the floor like a sack of snakes and kicking me in the gut. I mean, c’mon kid. We’ve all been sick. Suck it up and give me a break.

I completely lost my shit. I mean, I started throwing dishes in the sink, willing them to break. I went to my room to scream it out and sob into a tissue until the beast came crawling in after me, screaming to be held. I yelled at everyone basically. I couldn’t control it. It was like I was possessed and I truly thought ‘I am going to leave this house and never come back’. It’s funny when these moments happen. Those moments when you are on the brink of complete insanity, and then something unexpected brings you back to your true non-lucifer self and you find you can move forward, conquer the next blow out.

Yesterday it was Finn. Finn who truly doesn’t understand personal space. Finn who keeps his 400 cars in suitcases upstairs that no one can touch or look at due to his hoarding/OCD tendencies  Finn, who doesn’t understand that Wren doesn’t actually like it when you go up to her and tackle her to the ground. Yup Finn saved the day. One second he hated me for asking him to put underwear on, and the next moment he was engaging Wren with actual gentle rough housing and had her entertained for a full 10 minutes. 10 MINUTES! Parents can attest to the fact that 10 minutes is like forever, and 10 minutes of no fighting, yelling, crying or screaming is like….orgasmic!

Troy’s always says I am the ‘heavy’, the yeller, the disciplinarian, the battle ax and I am ok with that. I think kids should know who’s boss, and I think they need clear boundaries. Most of the time they like me and that’s good enough for now. I really don’t think Wren will ever feel remotely interested to read my posts, and if she does, perhaps it will be excellent birth control for her. I love you Wren but you are and always will be, my beast.

My kids are turning me evil