So when my first son was born I created a blog called ‘What to expect wasn’t what I was expecting’. I basically wrote about a lot of my baby surprises which no one EVER told me about, as well as stories shared at my mommy group and believe me there were some awesome ones… I recently looked up the rants I wrote and it came all raging back to me…the horrors of new momdom…duh duh duh (insert scary music). Of corse I am not a brand new mom this time around, Finn is now three, and let me tell you it is a whole different experience for me. New moms are truly super annoying, no offense ladies, I mean it, I was one of you once and I was an idiot…don’t worry, it will pass :)

I don’t mean it like you are actual dummies or anything like that, but what I know now vs. what I ranted about and whined about before are soooo different. It all started with my birthing class which I gratefully loved for one reason – it brought me two girlfriends who I can’t live without (you know who you are ladies!). It also made me feel like I was going to be a failure if I chose an epidural or GASP introduced formula. Those were huge issues debated in class and I know the doula’s intentions were honorable but she scared the crap out of us and made us think we needed to go 100% natural or we were going to be terrible mothers – at least that is how we all perceived it (hormones you know :).

I ended up going natural with the birth which ended up being sooooo dumb as I cannot think past the pain that is about to come for baby #2. My husband says, c’mon Kelly you did it before and my response is that well, if you were stabbed in the gut with no pain killers and then a few years later you knew someone, somewhere was going to stab you again in a surprise attack, would you be ok with that? Point taken. The main issue is that Finn was born super fast (dilating 2-9 cm in an hour and a half) so for me to actually get an epidural in time (it takes about 2 hours), I need to go in as soon as labor starts and even then with the saying of your second labor time gets cut in half, I prob will run out of time. Another problem is the fact that I have had contractions for 2 weeks now, off an on, and had no idea if it was ‘the time’. My fear has taken over in that I think I am somehow keeping her in me forever.

The second disaster of my last babe was breast feeding. This actually came up yesterday as I explained to my hair stylist that it kills your boobs and she had absolutely no knowledge of that – assuming that babies just take a drink and get on with it. I thought the same thing for Finn and that is why I spent every night crying while I fed him for the first two weeks, thinking it was normal. I mean babies just suck on the teet right? Nope, they can crack them, make them bleed, and don’t get me started on the fact that kid aside, your boobies turn into rock hard pain melons in the first few days until you learn how to feed properly. I had on a super bra non stop for 2 weeks , it hurt so much.

I watched countless videos, read books, just couldn’t see what I was doing wrong so I went to the dr. He explained that I should just ask my grannie how she did it and get on with it. Stellar support. If it wasn’t for my saviour Beth who came over and walked me through it, I would have quit then and there. Although the second part to this lesson was that I needed to understand that it was actually OK if I stopped. That damn class made me ¬†feel like I would be feeding my kid jet fuel if I resorted to formula. I even went so far as to buy a 200.00 pumping kit which I cried over as I brought it home and still didn’t use at first ’cause I was also told to not pump as it screws up the milk flow. I mean it all worked out in the end, but that first month was probably the most horrible in my life, when it is supposed to be ‘great’.

Finally, the ‘great’ was the hardest pill to swallow for me. Everyone is like, oh my baby is awesome, they are the light of my life, I LOVE them, they are so cute. That sadly was not my experience at all. Through it all I became depressed, horrified, manic, crazy, and a little bit insane. I would walk the dog at night thinking of ways to escape this life, with my dog of corse, and we would go to cuba and live on a beach and I would never look back…again hormones are wicked beasts. If I am to be honest with you, it took me about 6 months to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and that was the darkest tunnel I have ever endured. I feel very sad that I wasted all that time in a dark place, but perhaps I learned enough that I will hopefully be a better person because of it.

I am not a sugar coater, I tell it like it is, even if it isn’t exactly a nice picture of me. Having Finn was the best decision I ever made, I know that now, but the road to get here was not that picture perfect. I don’t know where this whole rant came from this morning, but regardless it’s out there now, so there. I have about a week left to incubate this kid, so I will enjoy every last minute of peace that I can, before the shit storm happens all over again!

My shit pump and I