Bizarro title I’m aware, but it’s what popped into my crazy brain this morning as I surveyed all my lotions and potions I ‘need’ each day to survive. Let’s go through the timeline shall we?


Probably bar soap is used on your face, if you wash it at all. A lovely Dove, or Irish Spring to strip every ounce of moisture from your flesh. You used it on your face, arms, legs – everywhere. Face cream? Probably hand lotion, or whatever your mom had beside the sink, that is if you use any at all. Your face is so YOUNG and lovely, who needs cream anyways? Cost: $0


You’re older, more mature, but you still need bar money, so budgetary restrains force you into the age of Noxzema. I don’t even know if they make this anymore, and when you used it, it felt like your face was going to burn off, but sort of in a good way. You felt clean and revived, hangover be gone! But you probably still used body lotion on your face, and it’s probably bought in a ten gallon pump bottle for 5 bucks. Cost: $5-10

Noxzema old school //


This is where the lines start to shift. You start to get rashes, teenage breakouts return, some parts of your face are dry like the sahara, others are slick with oil. You are like WTF face?! Just choose a side!

You might even start to notice the odd crease, perhaps a little sagging, but no, it can’t be, you’re still so young! This is when you stand in the drug store, surveying the rows of lotions and you think to yourself, I’m going to have to pay what for that?! A day cream, a night cream, a toner, sunscreen, face cleanser…the regime begins. But then you get invited to a Mary Kay party and you buy the kit and you are kosher. Until the kit runs out and you start substituting items that are super cheap and crappy, but you still feel like you are taking control of the situation so it’s ok. Cost: $50+


You might as well just have a shelf in the bathroom dedicated for ‘lotions’, and they should all be lined up in a row for ease of distribution. You begin with a foot cream because you appear to have walked through fire the night before with the amount of cracking you see. Next comes legs, but for me it has to be a cream from fucking Paris because every other lotion in this universe makes my eczema blaze up in fury and I’d prefer not to itch the flesh off of them.

Next comes upper body lotion which must smell like coconut because it’s -20 out here today and I need to be reminded of the beach and summer before I go postal on everyone. Next comes the ‘DAY’ face cream, not to be confused with the ‘NIGHT’ face cream, because apparently a lot can go wrong in the dark, and you need a special concoction for those occasions.

Oh and the ‘DAY’ cream must contain at least 30 SPF in it which makes it cost about as much as adopting a small child from China.

But we don’t stop there, nope, we have to attack the dark circles and age spots that have suddenly appeared on every part of your body that people actually see. Never on your arm pit, nope, it’s right in the middle of your face. It’s so amazing that it causes your dad to coin the awesome nickname of ‘Africa’ for you, seeing as the sun spot is exactly the same shape AND fills your entire forehead. Thanks dad. So now I apply the skin lightening cream, which is only sold in the area of Shoppers that you have to flip the flap to reveal the amazing cost lest we all run screaming from the aisle if they were to just label it clearly. Luckily for me it’s located right next to my leg AND face cream so now I can kill two birds with one stone.

So I’d like to say I’m done at this point, but it’s not even summer. If it were, there would be layers of sunscreen, more expensive brands of foot cream, more, more and more crap. So as I pull open Troy’s drawer to reveal a tube of toothpaste (sometimes) and a toothbrush (Cost $10), I am left looking at my pile of jars that might cost as much as my first car. I now dream of the Noxzema days and wonder what it will be like for me in 10 years. Sorry Troy, we have to sell the house in order to combat my wrinkles – I’m sure you understand!

NEXT POST: I talk openly about the stupid amounts of money I spend on lip balm. You can find a half used tube of various brands in basically every nook, every cranny, all my purses, and each drawer in my house. Parish the thought that I spend ONE SECOND with dry lips. Awesome.