Ok so as everyone is knee deep in ‘Back to School’ mania, I am once again reminded how crappy of a mother I am. Ok wait, not crappy, but perhaps blase is a better word? Or anti-soccer momish? Or perhaps old school might be a better definition.

First,┬álet me preface that I’m not looking for people so say sugary sweetly ‘Oh Kelly, you are a GREAT mom!’ because no I am not. I love my kids, but there are distinct areas in which I suck and I am ok with this. What makes me write this post today is my lack lustre lunch-making skills, which is why I think old school is a good term for me.

I would LOVE to jump back into the 80’s where you got a PB&J sandwich in a plastic tupperware that has totally been microwaved like 78 times judging from the cloudy sheen on the sides, trail mix in a plastic baggie, and a non-nut free cookie or some dessert product paired with plastic utensils. I’m not condoning the non-enviro items, but you have to admit, it was a simpler time and way less stressful. I can’t even remember ever getting a juice box because we had fountains and yes, everyone just drank from a fucking fountain.

I am sure there are wonderful (gag) moms out there who have done up a fancy mealtime presentation, packed cool containers, in a bento lunch box with reusable fabric snack bags in the hottest fall colors. This I did not. I mean, I paid 50 bucks for Finns backpack last year and it still works, so why buy another? I dusted off his lunchbox from last year this morning, clearing out some debris that has been sitting there since June with the full intention of giving it a big scrubbing over the summer, but alas, I did not get around to it.

I had thought about buying a new water bottle for him this year seeing as his OLD Shrek metal cup is all chipped of it’s paint which is probably some sort of health hazard, and I suppose I shouldn’t send a Dora sippy cup even though he rocked the kids teases by saying ‘uh yeah it’s a Dora cup, it’s my sisters and she’s a baby, so what?’. But again, I forgot and he once again carried crappy Shrek in his last years backpack. I am sure he truly didn’t even notice anyways seeing as he turns into a camel at school with zero time for beverage consumption.

So in hommage to you wonderful moms, I am going to make fun of you with a collage of things I will never do and honestly if you do this for your kids, you need more hobbies, or you need to drink more.


Are you kidding me?


Just mix the two sides together and get a life.


Yeah so this is cute, but I don’t even know how to do it, make a fucking sandwich and be done with it.


Too much cutting and who are you kidding? They will end up stabbing some poor kid and you will end up receiving the dreaded teacher phone call.


MMMM, soggy gross strawberry bread.


I mean, I really like the design aesthetic, but c’mon people.


I don’t even know what the crap this is.