My first thought about blogging on this subject made me cringe, I won’t lie. I despise PMS jokes, pigeon holing chicks into one category that we are all the same, and bitchy and irrational maniacs during ‘that time of the month’, but then I watched an old episode of MadTV yesterday in which they did a spoof of Crimson Tide 2 with a bunch of chicks in a submarine yelling at each other, screaming about being bloated and I couldn’t help but laugh. Plus I felt that if a guy actually kept reading after I wrote ‘that time of the month’ then it might save their life one day…or their marriage. So I’ve decided that it was ok that I write this and we can all sit back and laugh at ourselves and how horrible we can actually become (through no fault of our own of corse). I’ve labeled this 28 days of survival: Day 1-5: Depending on how horrible God hates you, this is your period. Day 6: Again it depends on God hating you, but this is THE best day of the month. You are skinny, you aren’t bloated, you feel like working out, you feel like you can wear those skinny jeans, you are on fire! Plan all date nights, party dress nights, and all shopping days today. Day 7-13: Still feeling good, no mood swings, you like your kids most days, you like your partner most days, you might actually have sex with your partner in this time, and maybe…just maybe, more then once! Day 14-20: This is the most productive time in the month. You have had sex with your partner therefore, they are now willing to take on home projects. Hell, they might even go to Ikea! Trust me when I say that if you are at Ikea on a Saturday, the men have all had sex the night before. It’s a fact. You get assistance with almost anything you ask for unless it is painting a room, no one ever wants to do that. But ladies, this is the time to get things checked off your list because the clock it ticking… Day 21-26: You feel like you can eat two more meals even after eating dinner #1. Stopping at McDicks doesn’t seem gross like AT ALL. Eating cookies at 9AM is totally acceptable. Leggings aren’t appealing like they were a few days ago namely because your belly sticks out like you are a few months along and believe me when I say that if someone asks you if you are prego, in this time frame, they better start running. Suddenly your kids are all jerks and it’s all your partners fault. You drop everything, like EVERYTHING. Clumsy doesn’t begin to cover it. And when you do, even if your partner is an hour away, you blame them. You start saying things to your partner: ‘YOUR KIDS DID THIS!’ Please if a guy is reading this, don’t EVER correct them by saying: ‘They are your kids too, you know’. Never say that. You look like you are 16 again, but not in a good way, as the zits pop up on your chin, your skin is dry in some areas and a grease bucket just a few cm’s away from the sahara section. You cry at most things, including the sad state of your own life. All of a sudden you wonder why you got married in the first place, so you start looking for an apartment. The exhaustion overwhelms you to the point
that you think you might as well just go to bed at 7AM and end the misery. Everyone at work becomes annoying and you cannot seem to handle even looking at someone and actually smiling. No, smiling is not happening. If you do, it is forced and you hate yourself for being shallow. This is the time that you want to punch your partner in the face if they ask for sex or for you to pass the potatoes. The urge being so great you make a fist but restrain yourself most times. You start to think that perhaps you made the wrong choices and start imaging a time travel machine that would bring you back to before you said: ‘I do’ and before you said: ‘Let’s have a baby!’ No one understands you, and you know implicitly that you are utterly alone in this world so you might as well just go back to bed. Day 27: You look at your partner and think: I could have sex again, I’m so lucky to have you. You stop eating chips after 9PM, your kids are cute again. You can fit into your pants once more (although in a day you won’t be able to again). You decide that indeed you are super woman and can take on the world! Day 28: God hates you again.