Just now I was watching some sort of home decorating/house flipping/reno show on HGTV in which the couple is pregnant with their first kid. Great. Lovely. Wonderful. Right? So why did I see the nursery in which the chick started to cry and said she was so excited for the baby to come and that it was going to be the most amazing year ever and I immediately I thought, ‘yeah right, you just wait until that lovely nursery is covered in vomit, when your kid is crying all night long, when you don’t have a 3 seconds to shower, when you cry all day long because…well because…well because of nothing really.’ Then I was like, holy crap what is WRONG with me? When did I become such a jaded, glass entirely empty, bitch?

This isn’t pigeon-holed to new moms either. I can see evil in just about every happy occasion going:

Getting married? Yeah good luck with that. Good luck co-habituating with a being who honestly doesn’t ‘see’ dirty laundry piled on the floor (it’s a genetic defect I’m investigating), someone who gets up from the table, leaving all food covered dishes to magically disappear into fairy clean-dish land, or someone whom you have to promise ‘favours’ to in order for them to walk into ikea with you.

Baby showers cause me to jerk-smirk as I sit there with a large glass of whatever is alcoholic, thinking you have nooooo idea what is coming while you hold up your cute baby clothes over your belly, your oohhhing and ahhing over fucking strollers, and your tittering over baby names. No one really gives a crap about any of that. They are all sitting there wondering when has enough time passed so that they can leave without bing a dick.

Anniversaries make me think holy crap you’re still married? Give it another year.

People accomplishing fitness goals and running marathons make me hate you even more. Sometimes I hate myself for running at all.

Birthdays I can’t even go into. Ok I can. I despise them. I hate the pressure we put on the day. Like I wonder who is going to call me?! Then no one does and you are like WTF? Then you think next year I won’t expect a single call… but you still do. Or you think, for sure my partner will throw me a big party with all my friends and that’s why no one called and then your partner comes home with a stinky lotion gift set from shoppers on their way home from work and you think well thanks, now I’m old AND I’m going to get a rash from using products that I am allergic to. Then on top of my sad self pity I heap massive amounts of guilt as I realize I haven’t called a single one of my friends on their birthdays either so there you have it. Everyone is a shit, you are a shit, and life is shit.

So, you might ask, what makes me NOT load up on sarcasm? I am thinking probably nothing, it’s in my nature to see the negative. Perhaps that’s ok, perhaps I just do it to make jokes, so that everyone else feels better knowing I am way worse of a human being then them. Perhaps that is my service to the public?┬áMaybe my purpose in life is admitting the dark things that most people are thinking anyways so that they can smile, relate, but never admit, to the horrible things they actually think? I’m totally convinced this is the truth which makes me about as jaded as they come and that is ok, I’m doing it for you :)