In my few years experience as a parent I have been privvy to countless shit shows with the kids. When one second they are all happy and playing, and then BOOM, screaming, flailing, throwing…it’s over. This week it’s happened to me twice and so to all you lucky kidless folks out there, here is how it goes from zero to sixty in about 2 seconds.

6pm – Wren in tub, Finn watching shows, me on my phone – happy…

6:02 – Wren looks perplexed – holy EFF did she just shit in the tub?

6:03 – Begin to push bubbles and spy a crap that’s quickly disintegrating to shitty mush.

6:04 – Scramble to grab SOMETHING to take out shit, as my oven timer starts to wail that supper is ready.

6:05 – Timer still ringing on oven, Clifford pacing into freakout status (he thinks it’s a fire alarm when it goes off), and Finn running into bathroom screaming ‘I HAVE TO POOP!’

6:06 – Finn crapping, me lifting Wren out of now shit-filled tub to let her wander naked while attempting to empty tub but it is too full of shitty toys, bubbles and yes, you guessed it, shit. Timer still going off. Clifford whipping himself into a frenzy. Me hauling mat to garbage can as I can’t deal with THAT.

6:07 – Finn still pooping but also yelling at me that Wren is now crapping on the floor and walking in it. Me, hauling all the crap filled toys to an empty bucket so I can clean crap tub and put her back in. Run out to kitchen and turn off stove – food overdone now, great.

6:08 – Wren starting to wander around the room, tracking shit over my towels, mats – everything. Finn yelling to me that he needs his ass wiped and that Wren is being disgusting.

6:09 – Finally spraying down tub, but can’t find a single rag to use as I did a lot of cleaning and they are all in wash. Use face cloth instead and just ditch it after. Wren has now walked over to drawer and starts throwing towels on the shit covered floor…more wash to do.

6:10 – Finn gingerly stepping over crap and running to living room so I can lock Wren in with me and contain the shit. Filling up tub again hoping that I’ve rinsed the bleach enough to put her back in.

6:11 – Throw shitty feet Wren into tub again.

6:12 – Start to mop floor when Wren decides she doesn’t want any toys in the tub anymore, so she chucks them all out onto the shit floor, thereby covering the bathroom with bubbles, water and old shit.

6:13 – Take all her toys away in a fit of rage where she just looks blankly at me like ‘chill mom, it’s only poop’. Finn yelling at me from living room that he hates Imagination Movers and would I please change the channel, like NOW.

6:15 – Finally get floor cleaned and hauled all towels and bath mats in washer. Begin to clean poop daughter. Wren continues to play and enjoy her day as if nothing has occurred at all.

6:16 – It’s over. Me walking to fridge to drink wine straight from the bottle.

Shit Show