THE FRUCKIN' BLOG


Ordinarily Extraordinary

Perhaps it’s hormones but more likely it’s a post pardon hiccup, but every time I see the new coke ad on TV about ‘staying extraordinary’ I feel quite like bawling. Obviously enough, it happens when the nurse comes to check on a new baby and I think to myself…have I ever been that extraordinary? A nurse in the birthing unit compared to a graphic designer…huh…it seems unlikely.

I know we all had pre-conceived notions of what our lives will be like when we ‘grow up’, and I was no exception. I lived in small town PEI and all I wanted was to move to the big smoke and have a super cool job, eat out at great restaurants, and wear really awesome clothes. It isn’t like I wanted to be rich, but I wanted to surround myself with culture, creativity and people who inspire me.

So I can’t say that I didn’t live my goals out..I moved to Toronto with no idea what I was doing, went to a design school, met an incredible circle of friends and had a fantastic time going out and experiencing life. Somewhere along the way I married, got a dog, up and went country, and now have two babes in tow. I have never regretted my decisions moving north of the 905 & having a fam damily because I know there is more to life then that trendy lifestyle we feel we need to have in our twenties in order to be considered cool, but at some points I do question whether I should be doing something more…something out of my comfort zone. At this point I need to reiterate that I LOVE my family, but sometimes you need to vent to stay sane.

I think these moments of reflection are important to keep challenging yourself, but at this stage I feel a little like I’m trapped in a box. And when I try to reflect on my reflection, it scares me. Leggings every day, ponytails, spit up on all my shirts and don’t get me started on nursing bras…so f-ing ugly.  It’s winter which sucks, we’re stuck inside all day, no cute summer dresses, no fresh glow about you aside from the chapstick we plaster on our lips, and don’t forget the hats we shove on our heads ruining all lovely blow dries. Finn (my 3 yr old) is insane and going through a bad whiney phase in which every day is a crap shoot on whether he will fight me on everything or fight me on mostly everything. Wren (my 3 month old) is my little doll but I haven’t had a full nights sleep in about 6 months and Clifford (my dog) is constantly sick as we try new things to help him (new food this week to curb an itch allergy, joint issues, poop issues…never ending), so sometimes when I look in the mirror at the end of the day, I wonder who that sad, haggard looking person is staring back at me.

Upon conversing with Troy last night, who tells me I actually AM extraordinary, I realize that no matter what someone else tells you, a funk is a funk and you just need to wait it out and try your best to not lose your mind. So no, this isn’t a post to inspire, teach a lesson, or even a story with a resolution. I just felt the need to blather on about the crappiness of new motherhood and this stage in my life knowing full well it is temporary, but still sucking in the meantime. All I can say is bring on spring and the next chapter – I am ready!

Wait, I guess there is a message here…suck it coke.

I’m back and I resolve to be cooler this new year!

Jeepers it has been awhile since my last entry. Prob cause I have had a baby on my boob for 2 months – almost three, and it has been a wee bit difficult to type! Anyhoo, I’m back and I have a new years resolution to write more and better stuff in this little diary of my shit show life :) Things are crazy but as the new year has come and gone and I didn’t really get to celebrate seeing as my son power barfed on my neighbors floor around 7pm, and then on me around 8pm, I was sadly in bed at 10pm and missed the whole cross over to 2012.

But now that I’ve had time to think about it, I really want 2012 to be exciting and fresh…so that means time to get obsessed about something!

I’m not sure how many of you know but I did do a little bucket list item last year and that was write my first book. No knowledge of how to do it, but with a fun idea in mind and a lot of late nights I managed to eek out 85,000 words…yikes! Don’t get too excited, it wasn’t like I wrote some profound novella on the time space continuum, but instead a supernatural teen drama that everyone knows I love to read about…stop laughing…:)

No, I’m not going to get it published, but it was something I’ve always wanted to do and it feels really good to complete something that seemed quite daunting. In actuality I think I thrive on daunting sometimes. It can take me awhile to get up and going (due to my terrible procrastination) but once I get into something I become obsessed and I think obsessed can sometimes be a good thing. It can give you a reason to get up in the morning, and also to make you feel like you are still a cool person, relatively speaking, and have a life outside of your kids.

So my first task is to edit the book and take a writing class and really just keep going. I love doing it, so even if I’m bad at it – why not do it anyways and have something that I do just for me :) Oh and I’m also going to lose 10 pounds, but isn’t that what we ALL say.

I have no picture for this entry so instead, here is the dog bed I just bought (and spent 200 bucks on) only to have my dog be afraid of…seriously what is wrong with him…

 

Wee ‘Wren’ has joined the Hogan Clan

Hullo my friends! I wanted to send a quick blog post to introduce my wee baby girl born October 23 :) We are all doing well, and loving the new family dynamic…even though some days are a complete shit show and I can never keep up with my laundry…and sleeping is non-existent…and she farts like a trucker :)

Great designer – Enchanted Leaves

I recently bought one of the Octo necklaces from a previous post and I just love it. It was SO affordable and I went back to their website for more goodies. Now I am totally into the woodsman theme – so cute! Enjoy…

Enchanted Leaves website

 

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I promise not another pregnancy rant…well sorta…

So when my first son was born I created a blog called ‘What to expect wasn’t what I was expecting’. I basically wrote about a lot of my baby surprises which no one EVER told me about, as well as stories shared at my mommy group and believe me there were some awesome ones… I recently looked up the rants I wrote and it came all raging back to me…the horrors of new momdom…duh duh duh (insert scary music). Of corse I am not a brand new mom this time around, Finn is now three, and let me tell you it is a whole different experience for me. New moms are truly super annoying, no offense ladies, I mean it, I was one of you once and I was an idiot…don’t worry, it will pass :)

I don’t mean it like you are actual dummies or anything like that, but what I know now vs. what I ranted about and whined about before are soooo different. It all started with my birthing class which I gratefully loved for one reason – it brought me two girlfriends who I can’t live without (you know who you are ladies!). It also made me feel like I was going to be a failure if I chose an epidural or GASP introduced formula. Those were huge issues debated in class and I know the doula’s intentions were honorable but she scared the crap out of us and made us think we needed to go 100% natural or we were going to be terrible mothers – at least that is how we all perceived it (hormones you know :).

I ended up going natural with the birth which ended up being sooooo dumb as I cannot think past the pain that is about to come for baby #2. My husband says, c’mon Kelly you did it before and my response is that well, if you were stabbed in the gut with no pain killers and then a few years later you knew someone, somewhere was going to stab you again in a surprise attack, would you be ok with that? Point taken. The main issue is that Finn was born super fast (dilating 2-9 cm in an hour and a half) so for me to actually get an epidural in time (it takes about 2 hours), I need to go in as soon as labor starts and even then with the saying of your second labor time gets cut in half, I prob will run out of time. Another problem is the fact that I have had contractions for 2 weeks now, off an on, and had no idea if it was ‘the time’. My fear has taken over in that I think I am somehow keeping her in me forever.

The second disaster of my last babe was breast feeding. This actually came up yesterday as I explained to my hair stylist that it kills your boobs and she had absolutely no knowledge of that – assuming that babies just take a drink and get on with it. I thought the same thing for Finn and that is why I spent every night crying while I fed him for the first two weeks, thinking it was normal. I mean babies just suck on the teet right? Nope, they can crack them, make them bleed, and don’t get me started on the fact that kid aside, your boobies turn into rock hard pain melons in the first few days until you learn how to feed properly. I had on a super bra non stop for 2 weeks , it hurt so much.

I watched countless videos, read books, just couldn’t see what I was doing wrong so I went to the dr. He explained that I should just ask my grannie how she did it and get on with it. Stellar support. If it wasn’t for my saviour Beth who came over and walked me through it, I would have quit then and there. Although the second part to this lesson was that I needed to understand that it was actually OK if I stopped. That damn class made me  feel like I would be feeding my kid jet fuel if I resorted to formula. I even went so far as to buy a 200.00 pumping kit which I cried over as I brought it home and still didn’t use at first ’cause I was also told to not pump as it screws up the milk flow. I mean it all worked out in the end, but that first month was probably the most horrible in my life, when it is supposed to be ‘great’.

Finally, the ‘great’ was the hardest pill to swallow for me. Everyone is like, oh my baby is awesome, they are the light of my life, I LOVE them, they are so cute. That sadly was not my experience at all. Through it all I became depressed, horrified, manic, crazy, and a little bit insane. I would walk the dog at night thinking of ways to escape this life, with my dog of corse, and we would go to cuba and live on a beach and I would never look back…again hormones are wicked beasts. If I am to be honest with you, it took me about 6 months to see the light at the end of the tunnel…and that was the darkest tunnel I have ever endured. I feel very sad that I wasted all that time in a dark place, but perhaps I learned enough that I will hopefully be a better person because of it.

I am not a sugar coater, I tell it like it is, even if it isn’t exactly a nice picture of me. Having Finn was the best decision I ever made, I know that now, but the road to get here was not that picture perfect. I don’t know where this whole rant came from this morning, but regardless it’s out there now, so there. I have about a week left to incubate this kid, so I will enjoy every last minute of peace that I can, before the shit storm happens all over again!

My shit pump and I