Today was Finn’s first day on a bus, which he was uber pumped about, and I was on the fence. Not that I am worried about him getting home, or even about him feeling sad or out of place in a new routine. Finn is very resilient and I knew he’d be ok. It was me and my terrible ability to mesh with other moms that was the hinderance to bus-dom last year. I was worried I’d be standing there, forced to make small talk with some mom who was super annoying, or dealing with crappy kids that run around being super annoying as well.

I didn’t mind driving him most days as it meant I could leap out of my car, grab my kid and not have to ‘make nice’ with people. I’ve held off on volunteering for anything at the school due to my lack of patience to deal with other screaming kids, or listening to Mommy Bobby Sue (who will call herself ‘Mommy’ in explaining the stupid stories about her little precious ‘insert annoying kid name’) and go ON and ON and ON about her skating lessons, or asking what sports I’ve put Finn in (none) or how I’m dealing with the change in the school cirriculum (it changed?) or how she just cannot bear to have her little kiddies away from her for even a night (bring it on). I’ve avoided any type of early childhood center for years (unless Kris comes with me) in order to fend off needy moms who just want to talk about potty training or how their kid so adorably likes to pick their nose, or how their pre-k kid is reading fucking novels already (true story). Sorry ladies, unless you want to talk about hangovers, annoying husbands, fashion or creative work projects – I’m tuned out.

Hence my hesitation on joining the bus crew. So this morning when we made the walk over I made sure I brought my phone in case I needed to do emergency texting or take 40 pictures of Finn whereby I become the annoying mother, I kept my shades on, my head down and it wasn’t so bad… until the pregnant, smoking, high crack whore walked by and began to talk a mile a minute about the following topics:

  • how to avoid a dog attack – apparently you lay down and suck in your gut to avoid it eating your middle. This she told to little Sammy – a kid in grade three for shits sake who was holding her dog on a leash in horror
  • how much she likes sparkly tops – mine in particular
  • how much she liked my mug with the bird on it (which she called a chicken but I hadn’t had enough caffeine to correct her)
  • how she used to be 80 pounds
  • how she is fat now…ummm you’re pregnant – well I ‘think’ she was. It seemed pretty obvious

Finn was never more interesting to me in that moment as we huddled together trying to talk to each other in order to make the scary lady go away. Even he knew she was nuts and to avoid eye contact. She eventually left, but then I thought – holy shit, is she going to walk by every morning? I can only hope that she was on her way home from a dealers and that most days she isn’t there so promptly. Otherwise Finn and I are going to Footloose it up and wear joint headphones to the bus stop, avoiding all human contact. Yeesh speaking of which, I am late to pick him up!