I know it’s quite odd that yesterday I wrote about the V Card ad today my mind is jumping straight into the D Card but my mind tends to work in erratic bursts of crazy, so let’s just go with it.
So here it goes. The D Card. Death. The Big Sleep. Doomsday. The Final Curtain Call. The End. Yes, it’s an ominous thought, and one I tend to obsess over a lot lately. Well, perhaps I should clarify that I think about it as much as usual but in a more clinical way as of late. Yes my tastes have always run to the strange and morbid, preferring books on vampires over young love (a mix of both is perfection :). Demon slayers over debutants. Monsters of the ‘otherworld’ instead of the current political realm. I’ll take complex occult fiction make believe over real life any day of the week, it’s no secret. It’s my fascination and obsession, but these days, it has become something more, ever evolving in my dark brain.
As most of you know, my mum has been battling a nasal tumor this past year, and some of you may or may not know that my dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma a few weeks ago, damn you C Card! SO needless to say, I’ve had some close conversations with death as of late. But what has me up writing this all down at 5:45AM is a realization that flew into my head. Now it’s a simple thought, but one that if you REALLY think about can be slightly panic inducing. That wake up in the night realization panic.
This was mine today – the notion that one day I am going to have to breathe when Troy can’t. Boom. Fully awake now. Then of corse as a neurotic mind travels, it went to my kids, and what happens if they die before me, then jumping to numerous funerals I will have to attend and try not to say anything inappropriate, and my god Clifford is a walking health disease so yes I went THERE.
It was that initial thought that flew into my head that yes, one day Troy won’t be lying next to me every night, well aside from his next work party in which they all get hotel rooms and head to the rippers…right darling? :) But there might be a day, and it could be tomorrow, god forbid, that I have to walk through life without both my kids, or that it could be me on the other side of the table, saying good bye to everyone else. I mean my chances of avoiding the big C seem pretty slim what with both parents diagnoses, who am I to think that I’m immune to death? No one is. A tragic car accident, some other disease, some fluke natural disaster could open my backyard into a pit of death. It’s everywhere, and anywhere, no one can escape it. That’s life. Or death, however you want to look at it.
These are not light thoughts. But this is reality, and reality can be a shitty place sometimes. And no, I’m not going to turn this into a lesson in ‘living’ and being grateful or any of that bullshit cause death blows. Plus I think we’ve had enough life affirmation crap on Facebook to last until, well, infinity.
I’m not sure why this jarred me awake today, and I promise I won’t leave you with those happy thoughts :) but I was told recently that when you deal with loss, you are allowed to feel whatever you want. Anger, sadness, annoyance, fear, even passivity. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to scream then holler obscenities from your roof tops. It’s all good. The most important lesson here is that you have to feel to keep going moving through life, especially when you need to figure out how to exist in a world without someone you love living in it with you.
For me, it’s humor. That’s my crutch. And don’t get me wrong, I have bad days. Those days it almost feels like my cheeks are cracking with the weight of trying to smile for my kids, or the idea of getting out of bed feels more like running 20 clicks. Maybe my fascination with the darker side of pop culture has somehow reconciled my reactions a little. Or the fact that I read a lot of books about people coping with way rougher garbage than me. I wonder if it’s a combo of all these things that allow me to accept this shitty dealt hand with minimal breakdowns. Whatever the reason, I come back to a line from a recent book read:You can’t ever change the outcome of Cancer, but what you can control is how you respond to it.
Wait, was that a life affirmation bullshit? Should I post it on Facebook? Have I become THAT person? Fuck no, I hope not. I also drink a lot. Wait, kidding. Sorta. Ok I had better go now before I say something REALLY dumb.