Ok so as everyone is knee deep in ‘Back to School’ mania, I am once again reminded how crappy of a mother I am. Ok wait, not crappy, but perhaps blase is a better word? Or anti-soccer momish? Or perhaps old school might be a better definition.

First,┬álet me preface that I’m not looking for people so say sugary sweetly ‘Oh Kelly, you are a GREAT mom!’ because no I am not. I love my kids, but there are distinct areas in which I suck and I am ok with this. What makes me write this post today is my lack lustre lunch-making skills, which is why I think old school is a good term for me.

I would LOVE to jump back into the 80’s where you got a PB&J sandwich in a plastic tupperware that has totally been microwaved like 78 times judging from the cloudy sheen on the sides, trail mix in a plastic baggie, and a non-nut free cookie or some dessert product paired with plastic utensils. I’m not condoning the non-enviro items, but you have to admit, it was a simpler time and way less stressful. I can’t even remember ever getting a juice box because we had fountains and yes, everyone just drank from a fucking fountain.

I am sure there are wonderful (gag) moms out there who have done up a fancy mealtime presentation, packed cool containers, in a bento lunch box with reusable fabric snack bags in the hottest fall colors. This I did not. I mean, I paid 50 bucks for Finns backpack last year and it still works, so why buy another? I dusted off his lunchbox from last year this morning, clearing out some debris that has been sitting there since June with the full intention of giving it a big scrubbing over the summer, but alas, I did not get around to it.

I had thought about buying a new water bottle for him this year seeing as his OLD Shrek metal cup is all chipped of it’s paint which is probably some sort of health hazard, and I suppose I shouldn’t send a Dora sippy cup even though he rocked the kids teases by saying ‘uh yeah it’s a Dora cup, it’s my sisters and she’s a baby, so what?’. But again, I forgot and he once again carried crappy Shrek in his last years backpack. I am sure he truly didn’t even notice anyways seeing as he turns into a camel at school with zero time for beverage consumption.

So in hommage to you wonderful moms, I am going to make fun of you with a collage of things I will never do and honestly if you do this for your kids, you need more hobbies, or you need to drink more.

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Are you kidding me?

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Just mix the two sides together and get a life.

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Yeah so this is cute, but I don’t even know how to do it, make a fucking sandwich and be done with it.

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Too much cutting and who are you kidding? They will end up stabbing some poor kid and you will end up receiving the dreaded teacher phone call.

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MMMM, soggy gross strawberry bread.

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I mean, I really like the design aesthetic, but c’mon people.

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I don’t even know what the crap this is.